


Another Bad “Eat me” Joke

by twisch



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Cute Derek Hale, Derek Hale Has Feelings, First Kiss, Innuendo, M/M, Oblivious Stiles, Stiles Stilinski Being an Idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 00:00:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14988371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twisch/pseuds/twisch
Summary: “If you don’t stop going on about how hot you are, I will give you a reason to feel hot.”“...is this another joke about how you want to eat me, Derek? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, they’re getting old.”“Oh, I wanna eat you alright.”“Is it some weird Hansel & Gretel thing? Boil me to tenderness? Or steam me like a vegetable, perhaps?”“What.”“I don’t want to be eaten.”- - -Or: Derek likes Stiles. Stiles likes Derek. Stiles is an idiot. And Derek doesn’t actually want to eat him. Well... not in that way, at least.





	Another Bad “Eat me” Joke

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where this actually came from.  
> The original idea is from a tumblr-post that I can’t find though, made by user **imagine-your-fav-character** :  
>  _Imagine you and your favourite character trying to sleep on a hot summer night, but you keep complaining about the heat and don’t let them sleep. Suddenly they move in top of you, press you in the bed and say “if you don’t stop going on about how hot it is, I’m going to give you a reason to feel hot”._
> 
> And the title doesn’t even come from a song this time! Jebus, what is happening to me?  
> Oh, well...
> 
> Enjoy!

It was a day in the middle of July. The pack had gathered in the morning at the rebuilt Hale house for bonding time, but one by one dropped off to go and try to find refuge from the heat that slowly crept in. The AC barely helped. The only ones left were Derek, splayed over the entire couch and Stiles, spread eagle on the floor beside the couch. It usually ended up just being the two of them nowadays.

“Dereeeeek.” Stiles whined, breaking the blanket of silence that had lowered over them.

“Hmm?” Derek hummed.

“I’m so warm.” Stiles complained.

“Mm.” The wolf acquiesced. Silence fell again for a another few moments.

“Deeeereeeek.”

“Yes?” Derek grumbled, head falling to the side and one eye opening to peer down at the human.

“Why is it so hot?”

“I don’t know, Stiles.” Derek sighed. The silence reigned a little longer the second time and Derek’s head lolled back into a comfortable position.

“Derek?”

“Shut up, Stiles.” Derek mumbled, not bothering to open his eyes again.

“But I’m so hot. Make it stop.” Stiles whined again.

“I’m not Mother Nature, Stiles, I can’t change the fucking weather.” Derek explained wearily.

“But you’re werewolfiness comes from magic - can’t you do something?” Stiles pleaded, and Derek sighed again thinking that the heat must really be getting to their emissary if he was this deluded.

“You’re the one with the spark of pure magic - do it yourself.” Derek returned.

“I caaaan’t, it’s too warm.”

“That makes no sense...” Derek grumbled, but rolled onto his side. “Do you want to move outside?”

“Outside? Where there’s more heat?” Stiles asked incredulously.

“There’s probably a breeze and shade.” Derek attempted.

“Nope.” Stiles decided, “I am one with this floor now, I have partially melted and reformed against these wooden planks and it has accepted me as its own.” Derek rolled his eyes.

“Then be a good floor, lie still and shut up.” He responded grumpily. The silence was back.

“Dereeeek?” But not for long.

“What is it now?” Derek seemed annoyed.

“It’s so hot.” Stiles whined again. Derek groaned angrily, rolling over on the couch until he dropped off the edge, half landing on Stiles where he was spread out on the floor. The impact caused the breath to leave the younger man suddenly.

“Oompf - ow, what the fuck, Derek?” He complained, batting uselessly at Derek’s shoulders. Derek had one hand on each side of Stiles head, staring intently into those golden brown eyes.

“If you don’t stop going on about how hot you are, I will give you a reason to feel hot.” He threatened, and while a thrill ran spontaneously down Stiles spine, his brain had melted too much for him to connect the dots of the threat. Which, honestly, was more of an offer than a threat on any other day.

“...is this another joke about how you want to eat me, Derek? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, they’re getting old.” Stiles snarked tiredly.

“Oh, I wanna eat you alright.” Derek growled half-heartedly, rolling his eyes.

“Is it some weird Hansel & Gretel thing? Boil me to tenderness? Or steam me like a vegetable, perhaps?” Stiles peered suspiciously at him and Derek blinked at him a few times.

“What.” The word had no inflections and Derek’s eyebrows did a complicated dance on his forehead.

“I don’t want to be eaten.”

“What are you even talking about, Stiles?”

“Me? What are you talking about? I don’t want to be MORE hot. Just give me water or something instead of being an ass...” Stiles grumbled. Derek groaned and rolled off, flopping to the side of Stiles instead. After a few minutes of silence, he got off the floor and started towards the front door. 

“I think you should install a pool in your backyard, Derek. Or just... put a bathtub in the house. Or something.” The door closed behind Derek. “Derek!” Stiles yelled after him. He was too warm to consider going after the sour wolf though. Maybe he’d regret it later, when he was dying of thirst and too warm to actually get off the floor, but right then he just closed his eyes instead and, eventually,  
dosed off.

\- - -

“Why do you think Derek wants to eat me?” Stiles asked a few hours later, now spread out on the grass behind the Hale house, the pack surrounding him. All except the Alpha himself. They had just had dinner, opting to buy food together rather than cooking

“Oh, he wants to eat you alright...” Erica muttered, filing her nails with surprising concentration. How she had the energy to move, let along do anything worth of note in this heat, Stiles didn’t know.

“See that’s what he said! But why? Like... I thought we were all buddies and got along now?” Stiles voiced in wonder, looking through the canopy of leaves in the tree he’d claimed as his personal shadow-provider.

“I’m not your buddy, Stilinski.” Jackson half-assed from his spot in the shade, but Stiles ignored him. He knew for a fact that Jackson actually liked him now, and Stiles liked Jackson also... well, most of the time.

“...you’re kidding, right?” Isaac asked incredulously, eyebrows raising in an eerily similar fashion as Derek’s facial caterpillars.

“What do you mean?” Stiles asked in confusion and raised his head to take a sip of water from his water bottle. Most of the pack blinked at him like they knew something he didn’t.

“He wants to have sex with you, Stiles. He was referring to eating you out.” Lydia announced unaffectedly, finishing her task of massaging sun lotion into her skin before stretching out in her lawn chair underneath a giant parasol that Allison, gracefully perched on the lawn chair next to Lydia’s, had produced out of nowhere. Scott hit himself in the face with the tennis ball he was throwing up and down above himself, and accidentally head butted Isaac in the stomach, and Stiles choked on the water he’d been sipping, entering a coughing attack.

“WHAT?!” He spluttered hoarsely, once he’d gotten the coughing under control.

“You’re an idiot.” Boyd mumbled from his spot with his head in Erica’s lap. Stiles glared at him but didn’t rebuke him.

“How did I not know this? Did you know this? Why haven’t I been told?” Stiles demanded, sitting up now.

“We thought you knew.” Kira replied gently, running her hands through Malia’s hair.

“But- I was- but...” Stiles trailed off just as Derek rounded the corner of the house, a giant inflatable pool in the air above his head. He put it down in the relative shade of the house, already inflated and ready to be filled up with water, which seemed to be Derek’s plan as he threw the end of the hose which he’d seemingly brought as well over the edge of the pool. 

Stiles stared at Derek as he went over to the side of the house and turned the tap on, so the water ran through the hose and began to fill up the pool. He let it fill until there was only 12 inches or so to the edge. Eventually Derek looked up from fiddling with the pool to catch Stiles eye, and one of the caterpillars on his face rose in silent question.

“You like me.” Stiles said, like an idiot. Derek blinked.

“Yes.” He said, like he also thought Stiles was an idiot. To be fair, he probably was. The quiet between them felt like it should be awkward, but somehow wasn’t as Stiles came to terms with that.

“I’m in love with you.” He spluttered inelegantly. Derek blinked some more.

“I know.”

“...you know?”

“Yes.” Derek was entirely calm, while Stiles tried to settle this revelation in his head. It wasn’t as surprising as he thought it should’ve been.

“You bought a pool?”

“You asked for one.”

“...seriously?” Derek shrugged, then gestured to the pool. 

“Wanna get in?” Stiles scrambled off the ground, faster than he’d moved all day.

“God, yes.” He whined

“Derek’s fine.” Derek smirked, and a few scattered chuckles could be heard from the others. Stiles stopped in the middle of pulling at his t-shirt to momentarily glare at him, while Derek shrugged innocently, before continuing. He was already wearing his swim trunks, as they were the lightest material of clothing he owned.

“I love you...” he groaned happily as he climbed into the pool and sank beneath the chilled water. He skipped the step of ‘ooh’-ing and ‘aah’-ing about the stark difference in temperature and just plopped right under the surface. He resurfaced a few moments later, gulping air like he was dying, to Derek watching him with a crooked smile playing on his lips.

“Feeling better?” He asked, amused and suddenly shirtless.

“Much!” Stiles breathed leaning against the inflated edge of the pool. He peered up at Derek with half-lidded eyes, only to find Derek watching right back. “So...” he trailed off, very aware of the pack lying about - and while they all looked like they weren’t listening in, he knew they were.

“So.” Derek nodded. Stiles shook his head and decided it was better to just dive into the deep end and hope he floated. Pun intended, as he was lying in a pool.

“You like me.” Stiles continued, and Derek nodded. “And I like you.” Derek nodded again. There was a moment where Stiles looked back on their interactions, especially lately, and in the light of recent events even he could admit that he’d been a total asshat. “I’ve been an idiot, haven’t I?”

“You’re always an idiot.” Derek replied, but the smile belied the seriousness. They stared at each other for a while, before Derek shook his head and bent down to place a chaste kiss on Stiles lips, and then remained with his head at the same level.

“So...” Stiles said huskily, “is that offer of eating me still on the table?” He heard Scott splutter (Stiles assumed he dropped the ball on his face again) and both Isaac and Jackson fake-gagging in the background, while Erica wolf-whistled.

“Nah. You’re a little too skinny for my taste.” Derek said, abruptly standing back up and Stiles gaped. “I have to fatten you up a little bit. I have ice cream in the freezer and Reeses in the fridge?” He added and made it sound like a question. Stiles stared at him and Derek winked, before backing off towards the house and Stiles found himself again.

“Hansel and Gretel, Derek? Really?!” He called out, one arm batting uselessly at air in the direction of where Derek was walking away.

“You started it!” He retorted over his shoulder, “Do you want the ice cream or not?”

“That’s not the point!” Stiles glared half-heartedly. Derek just arched a questioning eyebrow, it’s caterpillar friend twitching. Stiles sighed. “Yes, please.”

“Can I have ice cream too?” Isaac asked, as he strolled over to the pool.

“No.” Derek replied before he disappeared.

“Asshole...” Isaac grumbled as he climbed into the pool opposite of Stiles. Stiles stared dreamily at the spot Derek had just vacated, and flailed when he was hit in the head with Scott’s tennis ball and Isaac splashed him with the water.

“Stop thinking about Derek’s ass, or I’ll drown you in this tiny pool.” Malia complained as she climbed in next to Isaac. “You reek.” Stiles sighed and rolled his eyes at her, climbing out of the pool just as Scott came over to join them.

“Where are you going?” He asked, eyes wide as Stiles pulled a hand through his dripping hair and made way towards the house.

“For dessert.” He replied loftily, a glint in his eye as he walked up the steps to the back porch.

“Oh, god...” Scott whined as the scent of arousal drifted in Stiles wake, while Stiles slammed the back door opened.

“DEREK!”

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know if this is even worth reading... but here it is.
> 
> Kudos & comments are love!
> 
> (Let me know if there are any mistakes or anything that confuse you - it was written very quickly and on my phone.)
> 
> Come hang with me on my sparkly new Twitter or Instagram (same handle on both) @TwischWrites  
> (because I don’t understand Tumblr.)


End file.
